Author: Kevin Carver

How I Met Your Coffee Maker

*Kids, back in 2013 when your mom and I moved to Rochester, I had to immediately address a problem of epic proportions. So big, in fact, that the word “epic” is indeed applicable, but not entirely accurate. Rather, let’s use a better word. Let’s call it “legendary.”

The problem, kids, was the how the hell I would make my morning coffee.

See, we got rid of everything when we moved—everything that wouldn’t fit in the car. And in a blind rage of yard sales and give aways, my french press was lost and forgotten in the hubbub. As we drove across the continent, stopping at gas stations for dollar “coffee,” I prayed for a brighter future. A bolder future. An acidic future. One that involved coffee.

You know, the one.

Season 1

But I’m getting ahead of myself. It all started in Idaho when I was in my early twenties. I worked at a Natural Foods store in Coeur d’Alene where local roasters would come to teach—as monks enlighten—and they would also come to replenish their store bins. It was through these vendors (Doma, Evans Bros, and Equal Exchange) that I learned to sip, spit, and smell my coffee.

And coffee became more than just a warm liquidated caffeine which instigated BMs. Coffee became everything. I had learned the secrets of the bean. I began to taste subtle notes. I researched and learned growing and roasting techniques. My lips began to automatically scowl at shelves with Folgers and hands holding Starbucks.

I preached about Fair Trade and just wages (annoying everyone I talked to).

Before long, I couldn’t depend on work coffee. I had to make the “plunge” and buy a home maker, something my coffee monk friends would approve of. The french press, of course. It was a single cup beauty, and she served it hot, gritty, and frighteningly strong. (more…)

Weekend (Ultimate) Warriors: Cleveland, OH

You know Cleveland. Don’t you? The setting for The Drew Carey Show, a rival city for Liz Lemon in 30 Rock, Ted’s hometown from How I Met Your Mother? Yeah, that one. Don’t be fooled, Cleveland is more than a plot device and setting for network TV sitcoms; it is a real town, albeit slightly magical, tucked away in the Midwest (Midwest? Is that what you call it?) on a Great Lake.

Fantastic food, clean city, friendly people, three sports stadiums (in town) and blocks away from each other. Cleveland is wonderful. In fact, it may be one of my favorite cities in America. There, I said it.

Last weekend, my wife, my visiting brother in law, and I traveled to Cleveland for the Rite Aid Cleveland Marathon. I was initially scheduled to run the half marathon with my wife, but my knee decided to be a bastard on me. Since, I have played the role of supporting spouse for my wife who thrashed the Hell out of that half-marathon. Boom! I couldn’t be prouder of her. She was great. Running a half-marathon is hard enough, but doing it by yourself is something I’m not sure I would have the wherewithal to do. Three cheers for my wife!

Among my favorite highlights:

  • The sketchy and delicious Greek food place in the Arcade.
  • Seeing Johnny Cash’s tour bus (see pictures)
  • Losing $5 playing an Airplane (the movie) themed slot machine
  • Morning coffee at Erie Island Coffee Co., a small cafe near the Corner Alley
  • Room service dessert
  • The marathon starting with the theme song from The Drew Carey Show.

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Rochester, NY: Halfway Point (& Beyond)

That’s right, Constant Reader. My wife and I are halfway through our stay in Rochester, NY. Can you believe it? Time flies, I suppose. Junior year at the University of Rochester was no picnic, but I made it nonetheless, Dean’s List, might I add.

According to the muggy thunderstorm that kept me up all night, we’re heading into summer. I hear Rochester is a great place to live in the non-winter months (some people argue it’s a great place to live year-round, but that is neither here nor there). I’m not a big fan of humidity, nor am I a big fan of really hot weather. As it turns out, I’m a baby who was spoiled with a constant breeze of 60 degree, California ocean weather.

SIDE NOTE: We Californians consistently do one thing, and that one thing is complaining about any non-60 degree ocean breeze weather. I’m sorry, but I’m helpless about it. I’m a weather snob.

So what do we do after Rochester? After college? Good questions! Even if they are slightly personal, I don’t mind you asking them. I suppose. Before we know it the next year will be over and it will be time to leave. I really, really need to think seriously about my future. Here are my options, friend, as I see them.

Kevin’s List of Future Possibillitude

1. Apply for financial aid as a “student of life”

2. Launch a new political party and/or morning TV talk show: Kevin & Friends

3. Partner with Applebees for a 30 day food documentary: “Appetizer Me”

4. Solve California’s water crisis by releasing snakes everywhere (people will leave)

5. Publish my passion-project novel, Band Names: Called It!

6. Revolutionize the beverage coaster business

7. Freelance as an evangelical pastor (weekend gig)

8. Protest cat bloggers

9. Discover a cure for cow-licks (more…)

The Mirage of Health (or, Some Body Scream)

Health care is my newest hobby. It’s pretty fun. I’m like the Six Hundred Dollar (deductible) Man. I never had health care growing up, so access is still new to me. The whole “Go to the doctor when you don’t feel right” is a little odd. But when the semester ended, I finally gave in and yelled “ALRIGHT” to my body and took it in for an oil change or three.

SIDE NOTE: This is no Obamacare message, kids; I had to have it for college. Obamacare, however, I have no real issue with despite its $300 million faulty website.

I’ve been playing catch-up. Doctors here, dentists there, dermatologists here, physical therapy there. It’s become apparent that my body is no longer the free-spirited albatross it once was. I used to pass doctor’s offices like a bicycle passes gas stations. “No thanks!” I would yell, though really, I didn’t even see them. But health is something I actually have to think about now.

And you should see me, really, selecting boxes on forms and explaining details to assistants like a novelist. “The pain in my knee visits like an ill-fated wayfarer in late winter’s morn, a bitter kiss of chillness, a choking warmth of distasted familiarity, financing terror in—”

“So it hurts here?”

“Yeah…”

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Weekend (Ultimate) Warriors: Ithaca, NY

There is no better way to rev up summer than by leaving your town as fast as humanly possible. My wife and I are thinking, Hey, let’s get of here! So, Upstate, East Coast, we got your number. Holla atcha boi (and girl).

It’s no secret we that don’t necessarily love where we live. However, there are lots of cool places outside of where we live, and since we will probably move back to the West Coast in the near future, we might as well see as much as we can. Therefore, (i.e., because we need to stay sane), we will be leaving as many weekends as we can afford.

My 2014 summer travel wish list: NYC, Toronto, Cleveland, Boston, Vermont, Wash DC, (other suggestions?). We are also planning on a family reunion in Austin, TX and are hoping to fly back to Idaho for at least a week. Needless to say, it will be a busy summer.

This is not a travel blog, I know. To keep everything balanced, I will continue to post linguistic chaos from my niche world. That is, expect some deep, thoughtful posts very soon. Stuff like, what does God truly want from me, if anything? How do I work to bring Christians together under one roof? Whatever happened to Bananas in Pajamas? and Why did Bananas in Pajamas even exist?

But that is neither here nor there. As for now, enjoy the very first edition of “Weekend (Ultimate) Warriors.” You’re welcome, Blogmerica.

Trip #1: Ithaca, NY

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The Great Wave of Anti-Christian Sentiment (from Christians)

Concerning popular Christian culture, there is no doubt we are currently living in The Great Backlash. It is a time where the cool and hip Christians critique and complain about the pitfalls of Christian faith. We have fun new tools like blogging and Twitter to give us a voice we never had inside the church. In addition, we have also discovered millions who feel the same way we do.

And can you blame us?

The late 20th Century witnessed the rise of mega churches and pastor celebrities, Christian apparel, alternative approved entertainment industries (including best-selling worship albums) and the WWJD movement. In short, the Christian culture created a bubble just large enough to coalesce American consumerism into the teachings of Jesus, the church, and the Bible.

As we aged, we began to think for ourselves. We started asking questions. We wondered if we weren’t Christians, but were, instead, just another market segment. We started wondering about others, the non-us’ we loved to condemn and pray for.

In, “When We Were On Fire,” Addie Zierman writes, (more…)