Ben & Jerrys

Open Letter to the Mysterious Animal Hiding in My Apartment

Dear Mysterious Creature,

Welcome. Out of all the windows in Rochester, you chose mine to climb through, and that is an honor. Thank you. My wife heard your ruckus in the living room, the other afternoon, during her day off. I’m sure you weren’t expecting us home. Anyway, the next day, I came across your marking on the window screen which revealed your entry and exit point.

Monster Screen-2

I guess you could say the gig is up.

Nevertheless, since we now share living space there are some ground rules to cover.

1. My wife is not a fan of mysterious creatures. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you; it just means she doesn’t know you, and that you two should avoid each other for the time being.

2. I, on the other hand, am a HUGE fan of mysterious creatures, proven—of course—by the sweet hum of The X-Files theme song, sweeping out of my bedroom nightly, and—no doubt—into your ears as you watched us from outside, below our bedroom window.

3. Label your food. Don’t eat mine, and I won’t eat yours.

4. If you want to borrow any of my books, please ask. It is polite. Also, I’m weird about the aesthetics and order of my bookcase, so don’t just return titles willie-nilly.

5. The bed is off limits. Though if you prove yourself, we can revisit this rule in time.

I’m curious, monster, where do you come from? Are you a cousin of El Chupacabra? Friends with the Jersey Devil? Are you on your way to visit Champ, the lake monster of Lake Champlain?

And I wonder what you normally eat. I found no food missing from the kitchen, which adds to the mystery. Can I get you anything from Wegmans? No doubt, we are almost out of Ben & Jerry’s; I can pick up your favorite ice-cream pint. Let me guess, Late Night Snack(more…)

New Year’s ResoWINtions (or, I’m More Resolute Than You Are)

New Year’s Resolutions have a bad wrap. To be fair, the word “lose” is implied in the name. I prefer resoWINtions (I’m a crafty wordsmither, no?). Pastors, blogs, magazines, everyday folks, they all clamber resolution warnings. No doubt, your ear-holes and eye-balls have been plagued with a mess of conflicting messages. Christians, I’ve found, like to shrug off New Years Resolutions. Maybe they see it as shallow. I don’t know. Some folks, maybe, don’t like to be reminded how susceptible to failure they are.

As for me, I’m a fan of new challenges. I like them all year-round. Once, I only used chopsticks for three months or so.

SIDE NOTE: Hands down, salad is best eaten with chopsticks. (more…)