My favorite all-time movie is The Truman Show. I think its Jim Carrey’s finest hour on screen (Eternal Sunshine, of course, is a very close second). As a child (1998!), I remember exiting the movie theatre convinced that my life was one big TV show and everybody was in on it. There has since surfaced a mental delusion called Truman Syndrome or The Truman Show Delusion where people believe their lives are really staged plays, TV shows, or films.

I’m proud to say that I am not a sufferer of Truman Syndrome. However, I am on to you bastards. Some strange things have been happening this last week, and the only logical explanation is that I’m trapped inside a hilarious, yet tragically poignant, reality television program and/or movie.

Let’s Look at the Evidence, You Bastards

Evidence #1: My wife and I are training for the Cleveland Half-Marathon. The weather has been its usual awful self, though I’m proud to report we may be beyond the worst of the snow. Unfortunately, melted snow and rain disguise every pothole in Rochester like burlesque make-up.

We were running on the sidewalk and a car swerved into a pothole and splashed a giant puddle of nasty street-water and drenched both of us. At the time of the shower incident, we were ten feet apart. I mean seriously! Come on! You guys couldn’t be more obvious. The timing alone…

Evidence #2: I love my television wife; she’s great. Having her shrink my favorite sweater five sizes in the laundry didn’t even make me mad. It was hilarious! I’m not sure who the head producer of your little program is, but I know the scene in Wayne’s World 2. In fact I own the movie. Do your homework.

Evidence #3: The whole estranged father thing is getting on my nerves. If he is going to be a reoccurring character in my plot, don’t spoil his return. The other day I had two missed calls from North Dakota (where he supposedly lives); that same night, Megan and I watched a How I Met Your Mother episode about… guess??? Lily’s estranged father who returns out of the blue after a three year absence!!!!:!H@Q@&$*!

Really? Really, guys?

Evidence #4: That internship interview the other day? Trapping me in a room with a CEO who declared I will not finish college because (uhem) I have moved around too much? “I don’t believe you will graduate next year.” Whoooaaaaa. I didn’t know people could be that mean, soulless, and cold. But then again, this person was a fake, well-written, evil villain.

You almost got a rise out of me. I admit it. I was one degrading comment away from interrupting the CEO, flipping his desk and peeing all over and up and down my note-scratched résumé. How’s that for an objective? But I’m a mature man. I also have a shy bladder.

Evidence #5: You make me move from sunny California to upstate New York because of a full-ride scholarship to a top-notch private college. It’s a beautiful “rags to riches” story, and I can appreciate the archetypical appeal. But, you move me this year? The year the hard-knocked, weathered, life-long locals claim, and I quote, “This is the worst winter I’ve ever experienced.”

Um. Being 3000 miles away from everyone I know is a big enough challenge. Being an undergrad in your late twenties is a big enough challenge. A normal Upstate winter is a big enough challenge. But the worst, coldest, ugliest winter locals have ever experienced?

There are better ways to create drama than making me curse at my weather app every morning.

Bonus Evidence: The Mets win three in a row after I start wearing my Mets baseball cap. Obvious, but I’ll take that one.

Good Afternoon, Good Evening and Goodnight

So there you go. I’m on to you. You bastards. Still, now that I’m writing, I have some ideas for next season. You ready? Kevin stumbles upon a free trip to the Bahamas where, get this, he isn’t cold, and the only splash comes from the ocean as he rides in a wave. 

Good, right? Get in touch. You know where to find me. I’ll be sitting in the center of my ridiculous, anthropocentric universe.