The Conundrum of Location Shenanigans (or, A Decade Under the Influence)

The Good News for me: I got a job! The Bad News for leisure: I got a job…

Good news indeed! Yes, very much so—especially when considering my recent exploits of turning down Mr. Ponytail without another viable option. The pay is decent enough, I get to learn something new, and the establishment is conveniently close to my living quarters. It’s a store, but I wont mention the name since my employment is still technically in process. The process, you see, has become a bit of a conundrum.

The wonderful people at my (supposed) new job require a full-background check upon employment. This is fine as I have nothing to hide (my secret-agent/ninja experience was wiped clean from official transcripts). The bummer part? They want ten years of addresses.

Ten years?

I don’t know even know where I live now! Is it Rochester?

My first thought was this: Okay. I can do this. Just track back, right? Rochester, Idaho, California, Idaho… That takes care of this year… Oh Lord. I can’t do this!

I’ve definitely moved around more than the average bear; unless, of course, we’re talking carnival bears. But nevertheless, it’s been a wild ride since high-school ended. My lovely wife pointed out that, stability speaking, I’m in probably the worst ten years of my life: the first ten-years after high-school.

NOTE TO SELF: Next year is my ten-year graduation reunion. Don’t go.

My Ninja Plan of Attack

I have two weeks to complete this background thingamajoo. ASAP would be best. So here’s my plan: Calling on all friends, relatives, and enemies, if you’ve seen me, at all, in the last ten years—any where—let me know where that place* was. *Please include the zip-code. Thank you.

“Kevin, that is not a good plan—at all.”

First of all, who named you Mr. Plandsome? Secondly, yes, I know. It’s a terrible plan. So, three cheers for a new plan! I’ve ordered a credit report, hoping my many addresses will be on it. I’m also open to other suggestions*.

*I accept credit for all good ideas.

Until then, I must keep racking my brain: where the hell have I been these last ten years?

Wish me luck as I go forward.

Thanks for your support, kind readers. You’re the best. Here’s a salute to my (and possibly your) decade under the influence:



  1. Congrats…I think. That first line confused me (ha). I recently got a good job that my background check quickly yanked away for the first time in my life: one measly, recent thing on my credit report. &@%^!@* Oh well, good luck on the addresses and your future.

  2. Kevin,

    Congratulations on the job! I’m not having as much success as you in that arena, so say a prayer for me. Stop your pulling your hair out. (Geez – what employer is still using this archaic procedure? – 10 years…) Once a year you can request a free credit report from the big 3 credit reporting agencies. They will list all your known addresses (if you notified the post office of your change of address it should be on there). Here are the links – you can call or do it online. If you do it online you can download the things immediately.

    1. Mary,

      Thanks for the info! I originally went through Free Credit It took two days and didn’t have any of my address info in it! Grrr. I checked the links you sent and that worked great! I officially have my address history now! Woot.

  3. My husband did an internship at a VA hospital and he had to do this too…but he had to have a LETTER OF REFERENCE for each address, and they COULDN’T BE THE SAME PEOPLE! It was ridiculous, calling up his random friend from college who he lived with for a few months one summer to ask for a letter stating that he lived with him. So….good luck! 🙂

      1. I sometimes think it sounds like I’m making things up…but then I remember that it’s all true and think I live in quite a strange life 🙂

  4. I heard on the radio of a guy who called the N.S.A. and said, “I’ve lost some personal records and I know you keep tabs on all American citizizens. I was wondering if you would send me copies of your files?”

    It’s worth a shot.

  5. I had to provide all my addresses and employers going back to age 18 for my job. I listed 26 addresses and 25 jobs, and that was skipping over a couple of short ones. I feel sorry for the people who had to verify all of it.

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