Why I Hate Fireworks

Last night, sitting on my white plastic chair, watching my tax dollars explode into an abundant array of colors in the sky, all I could really think about was the irony of America’s favorite holiday. How did we get here? How did I get here? How many marshmallows did I really eat?

Let me fill you in.

We have this holiday here in America called Independence Day. It’s usually held on July 4th.  As far as I know, we celebrate it every year.  It’s a day where family members forward each other e-motional e-mails about the hardships of our forefathers. You get them, I get them, nobody reads them.

We also flock to firework stands to help endure one of the greatest American values and traditions we have: impulse buying and over spending. It doesn’t matter how often it happens, every single year we spend fifty dollars on fountain fireworks, a few smoke bombs, some sparklers, and the next day we’re broke.

What will $20 get me? A crawling what?


I have a really hard time with tradition. Doing something for the sake of doing it has always been a tough concept for me. Why do we eat ham on Christmas? Because we do! Why do we wear white after Labor Day (or is it before)? What is Labor Day?

The tradition of fireworks makes no sense to me. I know it’s supposed to represent the war and all, but I think we really could have chosen a better means of portraying our gratitude and remembrance. I mean, didn’t the Chinese invent fireworks? Don’t they pretty much own us already; do we really have to give them our nation’s holiday too? And we buy the best fireworks from the Native American Indians? Am I the only one sensitive to all this?

Before I continue, I must clarify that I have nothing against the Native Americans or the Chinese. I love all of God’s children like they were my own tomato plants. I’m just trying to think of a new way to celebrate our Independence that doesn’t represent our dependence. Why give credit to the country we currently owe billions of dollars to? There must be some other ways that properly reflect who we are as a nation.


How about throwing hamburgers in the sky and shooting them with shotguns?

A community baseball game dressed like Bigfoot?

Movie night in the park! Independence Day anyone? (We owe it all to Randy Quaid anyways.) Besides, if there is one thing to be proud of, it’s America’s consistent skill at making great movies.


With all that being said, blowing stuff up is pretty cool. I don’t really hate fireworks. I’d be up for legalizing them year round. Maybe once a month? Talk about stimulating the economy! I was really just trying to get you to click the link.


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